We all know I have my Mommy Dearest baggage, but despite it all, I really have so much love, admiration, respect and reverence for all the beautiful powerhouses in my life that call themselves mothers. It is absolutely one of the hardest positions to take and it fills me with so much joy to witness your greatness. You are seen, appreciated and worshiped. Thank you to all those who took me in growing up and gave me what I yearned for, thank you to those who show me every day what it looks like to mother in ways that build up, encourage and heal and thank you to those who hold me and support me into becoming the mother I hope to be one day ♥
Showing posts tagged Mommy Dearest
Every day I hold, in my hands, smell, touch and feel, all the ways I’m healing and encouraging that Little Girl
She got away and it saved her.
I ate 5 freezer corndogs in one sitting the other day and felt like crying, but didn’t because I didn’t want to talk about it, because it felt good to do that in a place where it wasn’t going to follow me if I didn’t want it to.
It felt rich.
I enjoyed every minute of it.
My hair looks really fucking gay and people who used to walk right through me, think about what my masses would look like bouncing back off their strapons and it makes my blood curdle.
You won’t ever get this and I’m growing my hair out.
We don’t have two pennies to rub together but every day with Them feels like an all expense paid vacation to Heaven
My dad keeps calling and leaving sloppy beer soaked pleas and all of a sudden I’m sitting next to a neat pile of hair wondering why you won’t get real so the rest of us can go on.
I’m seeing Her in my face and gestures more and more every day and I’m just trying to figure out how to forgive without falling.
But don’t any of you feel worried about me because I never think of you and every day when I remind myself to keep not to thinking about you, it makes me stronger.
Don’t keep in touch
Don’t stay cool over the summer
I don’t 143
tw: abuse, emotional processing and weird broken up lines
the reality is when i first got here i was like,” all fat all the time”, when i wasn’t like, “all substance abuse all the time” or “all mommy issues all the time”.
and maybe that’s mostly still true for me.
except that when i made a big decision to move for love, to move to heal and to move to do something that would mean my life was moving forward instead of petrifying into a useless wad of nothingness collecting dust in san diego
a lot of what we thought would happen was met with what really happened
and what really happened was a lot more than a girl with loads of pain and disappointment expected she could deserve
with a soul i’m sure i’ve loved before in another place except we’re loving each other in this place now wrapped up in the laughter and the squirting orgasms and the truth that when we reach out, there will always be a hand reaching back
and a lot of realizing that i was working pretty damn hard to help strangers love themselves and others better in ways that could feel really good, but i was doing it for free, or at the cost of my sympathies and caretaker guilt when i really had so much work to do with my own piles of messes
because when i finally had the safety of a good happy home to look at my messes, i realized they were bigger than i had ever imagined
maybe before i just a mentally ill mother who hated my body
or the sour memories of my young sticky hands gripping food stamps white knuckled on the way to the store
or the current of electricity running through my body when she put her hand up my skirt by the soccer field in the 9th grade and the kick to the gut when i saw her again 6 years later and she pretended i was the one who stole from her and couldn’t even remember my name.
but now that i’m actually happy, like really really cartoony happy
i find myself finishing a beautiful meal with my wife in our warm home and a big crocodile tear falls into my dish
and my brain finds a memory of the night mother told me that if i didn’t finish my dinner, i’d stay there until she said i could leave
and i didn’t get to leave that table until the piss that soaked through my jumper and the chair had but almost dried and the sun had gone down and come back up again and the threat of someone finding out released me
which is funny when you think about it because really her fear was of me actually eating something and not the not eating, but you never did really know when she’d decide what deserved a firm hand and what deserved a negligent one
you also can never really know when your brain will give you back a memory that it took away before to protect you
and you can never really know why your brain couldn’t just keep the fucking thing where it belonged, in that sweet dark forgetting place
but these memories are back and that’s what i do know
so i haven’t forgotten about you all
in fact i think about you all the time
it’s just that i’m just spending quite a bit of time with these visitors
holding their hands
talking it out with them
finding the tools to ready myself for the rest of them
because i can feel the ache in my bones telling me there will be more
so maybe you can be my diary for a little while longer
and we can share these tools with each other
we can share the days of two pairs of eyelashes and walking under the shade of arbutus tree and fisting into crygasms
and we can hold each other up on those days where you start laughing and it melts into a heaving sob
let’s just hold hands real tight for now and swish our hips to the beat
The thing about impending birthdays is that they make you see your broken past and overgrown adult baby parents with some really sweet faux emotionally detached rose colored glasses and you get cake
Me and Mom
ME: She tried to shame me!
MOM: The cashier? Oh no.
ME: How dare someone wearing Uggs try to make ME feel bad.
MOM: Do you remember the Schnuck’s shuffle?
ME: I remember getting groceries at Schnuck’s…
MOM: When you guys were little, me and my other mom friends had a little con. If you didn’t have grocery money, but you knew you were getting paid in a day or two, you would just pay with a check and the money would be there by the time it went through.
MOM: So basically, you write a hot check. That’s what you should have done! Then you’d have groceries.
1. my mom used to do this all the time
2. only at aldi or shop ‘n save, because schnuck’s was always a little too fancy for us
My mom too! Also using your credit card on weekends, so you could max it out way over the limit since all the charges will go through on Monday.
Also we for sure did the move where you throw every can on the ground to get a discount (when Big Daddy came out in theaters I sobbed at that part and every one of my middle class friends were like @_@ at me)
Or my mom would bring a washable marker into the thrift store and mark the clothes we wanted and ask for 50% off
How Many Times Can This Tea Bag Be Reused?
a one woman show on waste and growing up below the poverty line with a single mom and her food issues
Directed by Jessica Luxery
Produced by Jessica Luxery
Starring Jessica Luxery